I have decided to do some daily reading and "My Utmost for His Highest" is probably something I should have read years ago. I have heard bits and peces of it over the years and will now be reading it everyday.

Wanted to share this from yesterday's reading....

"A saint is never consciously a saint - a saint is conciously dependent on God"

Good stuff! This one particularly struck home as I guess I have a private war with myself over recognition for doing the right thing. Lori is a big fan of Extreme Makeover - Home Edition and we watch it every Sunday. There is no doubt that there is much good going on as they are helping others and they do it in such a BIG way but I have doubts that I could handle the noteriety that has come with it in a way that brings glory to anything but myself. I'm pretty cynical about the motives of all those involved and I hate beng so judgemental of their motives. It is more an indicment of myself as I would really have a hard time with the stardom and I probably doubt that anyone else can handle it either. Is Sears involved with it because it is good or because of the advertising benefit? Do the homebuilding companies do it more because they want to do good or because they get a huge bounce in business and advertising? Do the stars do it because they are really concerned with doing good for others or because they have become famous as a result? Would they still do it if there was no show to tell everyone else about what they are doing? If they would do it even without the acclaim and noteriety why didn't they before the creation of the show? And if they were doing this kind of thing before the creation of the show, why did they decide to make a more public display of it?

Again, all of these questions are more about my own inability to deflect the spotlight. I have always been one to gravitate towards the spotlight. Maybe that is why I got into ministry in the first place. It is the at the "top" of the church culture. The pastor is the leader, the one everyone looks to, the one who is seen for the good that he is doing, the one who has the answers and gets acknowledged for it. The real good ones get to write books and articles and are invited to be in front of seminars and conferences. If you are really, really good, you may even get a radio or TV show. I am afraid that my motives could easily slip into this arena and I have trouble believing that others don't struggle with it also.

Here is what Jesus had to say in Matthew 6 (from "The Message"):

"Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding. When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure - 'playactors' I call them - treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they'll get. When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it - quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who concieved you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out."

I fight with this all the time. I want to be acknowlegded for the good I do because that acknowledgment makes me feel good. Isn't that what we all want? To feel good and be recognized and earn some acclaim?

URRRRRRRGH! Sometimes I hate this walk and wish I could just be what he wants me to be wthout the constant struggle within myself!